This Christmas: How to maintain a relationship with your partner and family

Por: Patricia Contreras*

Couples’ relationships are complex and often affected by dynamics that are difficult to identify. Mexican psychologist Pilar Cortés**, recognized for her focus on emotional well-being, offers valuable advice on how to handle conflicts in relationships and strengthen bonds to achieve a healthy partnership. In her recent workshop, Pilar shared the importance of understanding what works in marriages and what can predict divorce. Here, we highlight some of her most impactful tips:

There are four major mistakes that destroy a relationship.

The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

Pilar Cortéz*, Psicóloga Salud Metal, adolescencia, paternidad y desarrollo.

Pilar explica que John Gottman, reconocido psicólogo, identificó los “cuatro jinetes del apocalipsis” que predicen un divorcio con una probabilidad de hasta el 83%. Estos son:

1. Destructive Criticism: Saying things like “You’re selfish” or “You’re a liar” is never constructive. Instead of attacking the person, it’s crucial to talk about how you feel: “I felt hurt when you did this.”

2. Defensiveness: Instead of listening to understand, defensiveness aims to win the argument. It’s the mindset of proving that I’m right and you’re wrong, as if we’re in court. “I’m listening to respond, not to understand” creates a barrier that prevents real communication.

3. Contempt: Disparaging behavior can manifest through gestures, sarcasm, or hurtful words, and is one of the most damaging forms of communication. Contempt not only emotionally hurts but also impacts the physical health of the recipient. “Sometimes it’s just a gesture, like calling someone foolish or incompetent without saying anything, and other times, it’s verbal: ‘Shut up, you don’t know anything,’ treating the other person as inferior.”

The Key to Success: Communication and Mutual Understanding

4. Emotional Disconnection: Often, when discussions become too intense, one party emotionally disconnects. This creates distance and can be fatal for the relationship. “It’s when I don’t express my feelings, I don’t listen, I’m physically there but emotionally distracted and not truly connected.”

Couples that survive and thrive are those that make a constant effort to understand each other deeply.

Pilar emphasizes that a successful relationship is based on the ongoing effort to understand the other person’s “inner world.” Everyone has their own feelings, needs, and beliefs, and getting to know them deeply is crucial for harmonious coexistence. It’s important to let go of the fantasy of finding a “soul mate” who is identical to oneself and, instead, embrace differences and learn to navigate them.

“Accepting your partner as they are, without trying to change them, is essential.”

In this sense, Pilar underscores that each person must be aware of what they are willing to negotiate in the relationship. Acknowledging that you will never agree on everything is a reality and knowing how to give in on some points while maintaining essential values is what allows a relationship to last. “In a couple, 31% of problems are solvable, but 69% are perpetual. This means that they will always exist, and we will never think exactly alike because it’s woven into our personality, our experiences, and our temperament.”

The Role of Emotional Education

“Relationships, like any other important aspect of life, require education and effort.”

Pilar notes that in the past, couples didn’t receive training on how to build a healthy relationship. Today, with access to workshops, books, and podcasts, information is more available than ever. However, this brings a great responsibility: each individual must commit to learning and improving.

“Second marriages have a 10% higher chance of failure than first marriages because, often, we don’t heal. You remain the same person with the same wounds, and you keep bleeding onto your loved ones.”

“It’s not enough to accept your partner; you have to understand them and adapt to their needs.”

This focus on emotional education also involves self-awareness. Without knowing who you truly are and how your own experiences and emotions affect your relationship, it’s difficult to build a healthy bond. Pilar insists that self-awareness is key to giving your best in the relationship.

The Challenges of Christmas and Family Relationships

"Christmas can be a time of joy, but also of great emotional stress."

Psychologists warn that family gatherings, especially during Christmas, can trigger conflicts, both with partners and extended family members. The stress from expectations and interactions with difficult people can strain our relationships.

"It’s essential to set boundaries with toxic people to enjoy the holidays."

Pilar advises identifying toxic behaviors within the family and learning how to set boundaries to protect your emotional well being. Recognizing how much you can get involved and how to handle difficult situations is key to maintaining inner peace.

Looking Toward the Future

"Small changes can have a huge impact on our relationships."

Pilar asserts that choosing a partner means choosing a type of problem. “Believing that there will be a relationship without problems is childish and unrealistic.”

At the close of the interview, Pilar offers valuable advice for 2025: “Changes don’t need to be drastic, but if we commit to making small adjustments, the long-term results can be transformative.” The key lies in consistent effort and the desire to improve, both individually and as a couple.

Building a healthy relationship is not easy, but it is a process that can be learned. With education, self-awareness, and mutual commitment, it’s possible to overcome challenges and enjoy a fulfilling partnership. “The key is not just to listen, but to understand and adapt.”

*Journalist with over 25 years of experience in various media outlets, holding a postgraduate degree as a Specialist in Public Opinion and a Master’s in Political Science with an emphasis on Public Policy. She is also the founding director of WoodlandStories Magazine.

**Graduated with a master’s degree in applied psychology to Development and Education from Boston College, Pilar Cortés has focused her work over the past 15 years on mental health, adolescence, parenting, and marriage, delivering lectures and workshops based on scientific principles and the most relevant and recent studies.